Dave Phillips

lifecoach

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Collaborative Conflict

Most people don’t really believe this is possible… but it is. In fact it’s a necessary, even critical part of effective team dynamics. In Adam Grant’s book “Originals” he speaks with Ray Dalio at Bridgewater, which is one of the worlds largest investment houses. Dalio invites constructive conflict and in fact he requires it at every level in his organization.

Ask yourself the question, do I just want solutions from my people or do I want engaging discussion from every team member?   A well-known Vancouver Businessman, Jimmy Pattison, once said “you hire them for what they can get done from the neck down so you may as well use what they’ve got from the neck up.”

This calls into question the way you lead and your ability to be curious and collaborative, always inviting the best ideas, which sometimes creates conflict. If people come to you for the answer to every question because they know you just want your own way, you teach them to be helpless. If you let them do whatever they want, you become helpless.

Generating truthful, frank and productive discussion can start with a few simple questions about HOW you’ll do this. Here’s some suggestions to set the stage.

Tell your team or any member about HOW you like to solve problems. Tell them about your style and what works best for you. Tell them that if you offend them in some way with your style to find a way to bring it up… you may have to give them suggestions.

Next, ask them how they best like to solve problems and their preferred style, and if they offend you… mention that you’ll find a way to bring it up with them. Do this with each team member and consider doing it as a group. It doesn’t take long but this is the kind of discussion that will get your best ideas from those quiet thoughtful people at the back of the room… they often have GREAT ideas.

This simple process, talking about HOW you address collaborative conflict, will be a powerful step in the right direction.

Looking for solutions for conflict management? The Birkman Method can be used in all aspects of team growth and change. Specific examples of how we can support you and your organization:
  • Conflict Resolution/Difficult Conversation
  • Boundary Disputes
  • Changement Management
For more info on the work we do with conflict resolution and change management, click here. 

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Character: This is who we are when no one is looking

This is who we are when no one is looking. Let’s start with what’s going on inside your head? Only you can listen to your inner voice. No one else can hear it… but if they could what would they say. In fact if you were watching yourself like a fly on the wall, I wonder if you would consider changing your words to others or your behavior towards them.

Research says we speak to ourselves at a rate of 150-300 words per minute and about 70% of this self-talk is negative and self defeating. The worse we feel about ourselves the worse we speak to others. Often the beginning of this journey starts with a thought. Stephen Covey said:

“Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.”

If we don’t process our pain we project it on to others and the world around us. Our personal pain turns in to painful thoughts that turn into regrettable actions, that can lead to bad habits creating a character that is not who we want to become. If so much of life starts with our thoughts, then this is perhaps the most important starting place to consider.

So here’s a “Life Hack” for you and a central place to start with building the kind of character you’d like. It’s gratefulness. You can’t be grateful and fearful at the same time. The more we think about being grateful the more positive, affirming and loving we will be towards others and ourselves. Consistent grateful thoughts convert to more positive action that will become more regular actions that create a more predictable character moving us towards our chosen hope filled destiny.

It starts with a grateful thought and gets better from there. In the next blog you’ll read about a life changing gratefulness exercise.

I’m grateful you read this far and hopeful it will be helpful… hmmm… does gratefulness lead to hope… if that’s true then where else could it take us? Perhaps to the very character of who we want to be.

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Our most dangerous weaknesses… come from overused strengths!

There’s a lot of talk about strengths and weaknesses. Things you are good at and things you are bad at.  Each of us have certain competencies or natural abilities. These would be considered our strengths.  Our weaknesses are more commonly known as the things we don’t do well.

That’s not what I’m talking about here. We have more tools now than ever to discover our strengths and gifts and natural abilities and it’s a great idea to use them to either recover, discover or uncover our real strengths. The more disturbing problem comes when we overuse these wonderful strengths, because when we overuse our strengths, they can actually become our weaknesses. For example, I spoke with someone recently who is not very good with numbers.  We will call him Bob.  Balancing his check-book is bound to have mistakes and leave him bored and drained of energy.  This is a weakness that he understands.  It’s clear to Bob that he doesn’t like numbers and will never spend the time needed to get good with them. He knows it, and everyone around him knows it too.  When Bob spends time doing detailed budgets the results are not very good and it requires a lot more effort than other people with a numerical gifting (and yes, these people do exist).

A strength of Bob’s is working with people. This is energizing and joyful for him.  He always has a positive response to his efforts and intentions with people. This would be a strength area.  However, when he overuses this wonderful strength, the real problems begin. Spending too much time with people becomes less and less satisfying for him… and them.  If Bob continues to over engage he can then become disenchanted and even begin to question this area of strength. Now we have a real problem because it starts to rot the very foundation under which he normally loves to fully engage and where he finds great satisfaction.

I often see people questioning their strengths because they have been overused. In a world that seems to find more value in quality rather than quantity this can easily happen. I have coached myself and hundreds of other people who are questioning their strengths to carefully consider this simple concept.   Overuse injuries are common in athletes engaging their athletic strengths and the principle is similar for all of us working in our personal strengths..

I invite you to evaluate how well you are taking care of your self.

If you’re thinking about a career change or even how to engage with your current team, I invite you to evaluate how well you are taking care of your self. If you’re running too fast and living under constant stress, I can almost promise you won’t be able to trust your strengths or your judgment about them.  I would strongly encourage you to find a source of objective feedback. A person without any agenda for you, and some connected expertise could change your whole experience. This could help you get back on track so that your strengths become your strengths and you start feeling that energy, joy and delight once again.